Musings and Prose of Greg Gough

An opportunity to experience my world

Exploration

Posted by ggough56 on June 12, 2009

So unusual in my style of blogging, I’d like to explore something.  I’ve been focusing on the lyrics of “Original Sin” by Jim Steinman, appearing on the album “Pandora’s Box” from 1989.

It’s perplexing to me because the song seems to have a depraved notion to it, but yet, a notion that I sense at my core.  Let me explain.  It’s like a driving hunger that goes unquenched.  It’s a passion deep inside.

“I’ve been looking for an original sin, one with a twist and a bit of a spin and since I’ve done all the old ones till they’ve all be done in, now I’m just looking and I’m gone with the wind.  Endlessly searching for an original sin”

This line really gets me recently because I think it can be evidenced in our interactions with others that we disagree with or put at bay for whatever reasons we have.  It’s not our reasons, it’s our putting at bay.

What I’m seeing, like one might see in a painting, is a driving to look for an original sin.  We’ll just say that original sin is not really to be taken literally.  Original sin may be pointing at originating desire.  This may actually be taken to mean something that originated a hunger for more.  This isn’t good or bad, it’s simply a force or a drive.

I do believe we were all created with hunger and drive, we need to endlessly explore how we move forward in that.  We can certainly demonstrate ways in which we should or should not move forward in our hunger and drive.

The next part, “one with a twist and a bit of a spin”, is almost like the heart singing without the mind to filter it.  I mean, how we might actually quench our original desires is to continually find twists and spins on them because otherwise they are like all the “old ones” as the lyric says.  We have done what has come before.  Maybe it’s hard to find creativity and newness in where we’ve been before?  Maybe the twist and spin helps us see something new that is really the same?

The whole idea of endlessly searching and looking is very pervasive in this lyric.  The focus is on the hunt, but it’s almost that the idea of the hunt is illusive to the one speaking the words of this lyric.  They aren’t really aware of how strong the hunt is for them.

Sometimes I have not realised how strong the hunt is for me, in my own life.  How I’m so driven after certain things in my personal life.  It’s like some of them go continually unquenced and I’m endlessly searching.

This is an interesting point for faith to intersect because my beliefs tell me that I will search no more and be quenched.  I have experienced this.  I’ve also NOT experienced this.  I’ve probably NOT experienced this far more than I have.

I can see how I twist and spin things to make it look like I’m in a new season or on the hunt for something new, but I’m not really.  I’m really just looking for the same thing over and over.

What that is, I don’t know, but it just won’t quit….

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Funeral for a friend

Posted by ggough56 on May 26, 2009

I heard that “Funeral for a friend” was actually written for the author himself.  I’m not sure how true it is, but it was intended for his own funeral.  Never-the-less, it’s been about one month since my friend died.  It’s been a difficult mourning process, namely because of the long period of anticipation.  It was known for about 4 months prior to his death that he would die.  Though, not completely convinced he would die, it seemed the only way things would go.

It’s been great to have closure on this episode for one month so far.  I’m moving closer to a position of wishing the best for his future, whatever it may be.  Beyond the life he had, I suppose.  I think he would argue that it wasn’t much of a life, bent on being manipulated and controlled by others.

It will be interesting to see what the future holds, in whatever space he enters into, for him.  I do believe in existence after our time on earth.  When a body vanishes, the vessel has simply gone away.  I don’t think that happens immediately…for everyone.  Alas, I’m not here to debate those issues.  

I think it will be interesting to see how he would respond in the face of adversity, having done to himself what he has done to me.  I wonder how he would respond or how he would cope?  I think it’s something that could easily be explored to the open soul, but alas a dead soul is not open.

Empty soul you have drained yourself
Breathing air that corrupts your soul
Shade from the Sun cannot be dark enough
Cloudy days cannot bring the cover
                                                                                             – G. Gough

Hate breeds those who think difference
Is the child of disease
                                                                                             – B. Taupin

My funeral song, the song I chose for him, was a song he enjoyed.  It describes the demise of a relationship through the art and language of theatre.  I suppose the question is what was he in love with all this time?  To whom is the song being sung?

I’d say it’s himself, but in a distorted sense of love.  Breaking his own heart.  Taking his own love for granted.

The show is over, say goodbye.

You will be missed, may the life hereafter leave you more blessed than in your current death.

Say goodbye.

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With You

Posted by ggough56 on April 30, 2009

What became evidenced was your desire to be in abusive relationships.  It’s not your choosing them directly, it’s your being a pawn.  It’s how you exist as a pawn to others, other powers, other’s dreams.

I’m not sure if you will understand how you exist in abusive relationships.  It’s only when you understand that you will be able to excercise your ability to make things different.  If it becomes clear that you cannot be controlled then someone’s interest in you might decline.

What I enjoy about you is not about how you can be controlled or abused, but how you can spread your wings and fly.  What I’ve found complicated is how strong of a concern I have for your being controlled and manipulated.  It digs at my soul and my heart.

My hope is that this reality might be different for you.  For others.

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I remember you…

Posted by ggough56 on April 18, 2009

We spent the summer with the top rolled down.
Wished ever after would be like this.
You said, “I love you babe”, without a sound.
I said, “I’d give my life for just one kiss,
live for your smile and die for your kiss”

I am quite honestly, most passionately in love.
I thought about what to write for awhile.
I had to think long and hard for my audience.
It’s a quick witty audience.
An audience given to a good wine.

I did write a song and it was beautiful.
Quite honestly, among my best pieces.
I could try to be frugal with my words, but I don’t do that well.
I always relied on the wisdom of others for those tidbits.
Quite honestly, I’m so glad I met you and I adore you.

She might cast a glace toward me, but she’ll never see.
She may never know how much in love I am in.
He is unwittingly charming, always telling me what is fun a fabulous.
Her love has me tangled up in her arms.
How much I owe to her, how much I owe.

I’m listening to a piece I wrote about a friend that has passed away.
She was a wonderful friend and it’s been sad to not have her around.
I also attend a wedding tomorrow, I’m happy for the day.
Quite honestly I don’t dig lightly into the soil beneath.
The bridge may not be crossable if I do.

Only doors away did you dwell, your saddenned sould quenching life.
Only further removed did you become, only further apart driven your heart.
She is only lingering now.
She is only alone.
She won’t ever become what she was.

Sometimes I wonder just where I’ll be
a day or a year from this time….

Perhaps in Australia, or another place.
Certainly with no job or sense of dignity.
Dear me, I will get around though, I will get around.
I always have gotten around.
I got around when you didn’t know….

Mark and Martha.
Jane and Jack.
It’s not really free, but it doesn’t cost me much.
Especially when you find a minor after something diminished.
It’s quite quaint, our little home.

What I do know is that I might not come around to slap you….
…but, I do know, that someone will come around to slap you.

I won’t know who, I won’t know why.
I’ll feel sorry for you, well, not sorry.
I’ll feel hurt for you, I will probably feel the hurt.

Alone in my cottage that is my life, out in the woods, among the solace.
…possibly with my lover…

…we will understand what has happened.
…we will understand what you have chosen.
…we will understand what we cannot bear to watch.
…we will understand as the piano fades….

I wish you well, but I am leaving.

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Angel Eyes

Posted by ggough56 on February 9, 2009

I think that when I look in your eyes I see forever
In a strange way, I can see to forever in your eyes

I can only tell you that I want to build something with you
I can only tell you that I want to build something for you
I only hope that you want to build something with me
I only hope that you want to build something for me

In every song I sing there is a thread of you, the hope of you
In each lyric I write there is a desire for you

In a strange way I can’t explain, please forgive me
But in the strangest way, I find myself wanting to hold you
I long to keep you close, like the father-son-spirit, close
It’s a dance and balance held delicately, held intentionallly

I never doubt you’ll love other than me, though you might be convinced
You may desire another, or even others and I will not stop that
I will slowly wait for you, for you my one love
You are not a lover like others, you are my love
My one love, the means of my unique expression, our expression

I don’t think that it will be understood and it will not be affirmed
By those who know us and those who love us they would gladly partake
They would gladly benefit the blessing that lay before us
For once I understand what it means, what it means to love

I had some of them say they found me fascinating, but never kept them
I had some of them say they found me loving, but never kept them
Some of them found me to be tempting and I did not give into their tempt
Some of them found me to be a wealth and I did not give up my treasure

I waited for you, it’s been a long time that I’ve waited for you
I only hope that you have waited for me and that we can wait for each other
We don’t wait for each other in the flesh, we wait for far more
We wait to be one with each other and to have each other as we are

Please don’t trivialize what I share with you, don’t keep you flame hidden from me
I ask with earnest prayer, I request with blessing that you allow yourself to be open
Travel with me, take that highway with only me

Hurt and pain only exist because we desire to be other than how we were created
Despair and lonliness because our futures did not meet
No hurt, no pain, no despair, no lonely can quench what you are to me
Not an idol, not a figure, not a representation, but a gift

You are a gift to me, not because of my direction in life or my taste
You are a gift because you are you and because I’m me
We are both a gift to each other and I realize that this may never gain ground
I understand that it may not….

I will  commit to be with only you
I commit to be with only you
Regardless of what you may desire
My committment holds strong and everlasting, LORD help me

We can only steer our course when we choose to do so
Other than that is demise and falacy

I love you and I will always love you whatever may come
I love you with other love, another kind of love
If you don’t understand me, then just love me as you do
If you do understand, then don’t cause me pain by staying away

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The kiss that was a relationship

Posted by ggough56 on January 20, 2009

More than 13 months ago I was in a relationship.  Let me explain.

A man came up to me and kissed me with his open mouth as I stood by and did nothing to stop him.  Several people around us were observing and found this to be very disturbing.  Not only had this man come across the room to kiss me, but also he threatened my personal space.  I did nothing about it at the time.  I told him that I’d like to talk with him about this and we did have some conversation that was quite good.  I assured him that he didn’t need to worry about coming out to me, if that was the case.  He assured me that he was trying to throw me off guard because he was bothered by things I was saying.

We continued in relationship for sometime, we actually grew rather close.  Our commitment to further on in our relationship was quite astounding to me.  I was quite assured that our relationship might not go anywhere worthwhile.  All the while, he would do things and I would do things, just as tokens and expressions of our desire to keep growing together.  All the while, choosing different things to do and choosing different ways to express.

At some point, there was a line crossed and he was dating me.  Well, honestly, our relationship was nothing like a dating relationship, but it had become such to him.  I was quite perplexed at the situation because I was so sure that we wouldn’t end up there.  Quite honestly, I wasn’t interested in him quite like that and I was assured that he wasn’t interested in that way toward me.  He assured me he was straight.

Well, then I thought about our kiss.  I thought about our desire to grow close and our conversations.  I thought about how all of this pointed at the destination that we found ourselves in, in a dating relationship.  Well, now it wasn’t a dating relationship and by this I mean that it was.  I was horrified!  I was not interested in this at all.

We had some conversations in the months after that and it only left itself dead ended.  I thought he should come out, but he insisted that our relationship was quite fine and that I was reading into things.  I assured him that we kissed and I told him that many people witnessed this.  I assured him that we talked about growing close and doing things to keep us growing close.  He agreed with me and disagreed with our assesment.

In the end, I have to say that I don’t talk to this guy anymore because he couldn’t understand that he created a dating relationship with me whether or not he wanted to.  He really wouldn’t see it correctly and accurately.  I can’t say I’m happy about my choice to part ways, but it wasn’t going to happen any other way, he would not understand.  I think this happens with lots of men that remain closeted about homosexuality.

As I assesed my world after all this transpired, I discovered that all of my relationships in my life had been insulted by this one.  What I mean is that this man had the audacity to be in a dating relationship with me and then flat-out deny that it was true, it’s like all honesty had departed.  My other relationships, dating and otherwise, found themselves insulted because they were built upon a different type of foundation than my relationship with this man.  It’s like this man created his own reality and his actions with me backed up his reality.

I would like to issue an apology to all the people I’ve dated, because my relationship with this man has been insulting to you.  As well, I’d like to issue an apology to all the people that I’ve not dated, because my relationship with this man has been insulting to you as well.

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When we went shopping

Posted by ggough56 on December 6, 2008

When we went shopping we selected the shirt
Fabulously undecorated, prepared for more
Assurance from one to the other in the attire
It’s never a disguise for who we really are
Careless, blowing months rolled on
I was uncertain, you were disdain
Communication became bent at best
The undercurrent of the river is strong
Carrying away these few prized possessions
Then it happenned one day
The shirt we selected became the scorn
I only found that what we had proudly selected
Became the joke of all to follow
Questions loom in the after-dust
Far be it from me to scorn the shirt I proudly wore
Why then select it for we if it was never intended to be?

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You are engaged to be wed

Posted by ggough56 on November 17, 2008

I interfere and you must choose.  You are engaged to be wed and you do not know love.  You only know control and manipulation.  You have found your isloation and your prison.  I would drive 7 miles and then 993 more, but that won’t get you to me.  He’ll keep you from your life and your soul.  I’m unstable in your emotional pain.

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Madonna’s Father makes wine

Posted by ggough56 on October 20, 2008

I’m enjoying a glass of Cabernet Franc (2006), which I picked up from Madonna’s father’s vineyard earlier this year for her 50th birthday party celebration.

Do you know why I celebrated?

I remember carrying the bottles back in Diane’s humble little car, all the way back to Grand Rapids.  I remember thinking about the joys of having a celebration….a celebration for something.

Do you know why I celebrated?

The days passed, months passed, the wine matured, it aged.  Now, the bottle I am drinking tonight was not specifically chosen for the party, but it was chosen from the vineyard.  In fact, I was not sure there would be enough wine for the party so I bought 4 bottles.

Do you know why I celebrated?

A trip to Alaska rode by, and the month of July was gone.  Soon into August which had it’s own moments of trauma for myself.  Finally, finally, the day arrived.  The day of the celebration arrived.  So much had been planned for the celebration.

Do you know why I celebrated?

The guests arrived one by one, each of them I wish I could keep for myself, just for a moment to love more and to enjoy more.  The night did not allow for me to engage them this way.  We had banners, we had food, we had wine, we had music.  We had an absolute wedding feast.

Do you know why I celebrated?

We served much, we served the best we could, we served with our eyes fixed on celebration.  And when the guests had too much to drink, we had more wine.  We had more wine from Madonna’s father’s vineyard.

Do you know why I celebrated?

We had plenty of wine flowing when we celebrated Madonna’s 50th birthday party on August 16, 2008.  We had plenty of wine to ensure that we would have continued celebration.

Nearby there was a party that sought to take wine and not make their own.

They did not ask Madonna’s father for wine from his vineyard.

They continue to spew lies and pain from their own story and righteousness.  They continue to cause lies and pain in their own people that they should be celebrating with.  They became the accuser.  They became the accuser in flesh, the accuser among us.  Not interested in wine, because it intoxicates.  Not interested in wine because it leads to debauchery.  Not interested in wine because they had righteousness.

Please, please, please.

May you drink so much wine that you encounter the true Jesus.

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The Story

Posted by ggough56 on October 12, 2008

All the punishing we can do to ourselves, the punishing we do to each other.  All of the lines on our faces.  All of the stories.

What do we do with the stories?  What further do we want with our stories?  Someone to share them with us?  Someone to build more with us?

Something to be right about?  Something to further a paradigm of pain?

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