Musings and Prose of Greg Gough

An opportunity to experience my world

In The Air Tonight

Posted by ggough56 on August 17, 2009

I haven’t posted for some time, but wanted to take the time to express a few ideas.  For a long time I’ve wrestled with my reflective and contemplative nature.  I guess I should clarify though.  What I mean is that I wrestle with judgements from others about my reflective and contemplative nature.  I’ve heard things since I can remember and the comments always seemed to set me apart to a disadvantage.  Quite honestly, I enjoy my thoughtful, deep and provocative style of thought an conversation, I just don’t always bear the confidence to own it all very well.  I think that superficiality is quite a commodity this day and age and it sells well for getting into relationships and moving ahead in life.  Well, getting into certain kinds of relationships and moving ahead in certain ways…I suppose.

I began writing lyric quite often starting in 1997 and really enjoyed how I could express my thoughts in that form.  I say lyric because poetry doesn’t capture the fact that the poem is meant for music.  Maybe that’s not an important detail, but I believe it is.  Anyway, I’ve come to build my confidence in this matter, to a point.  It seems that I can still not get beyond judgements of others.  It seems I get set back and hurt so quickly.

I spent some time processing this and arrived at a few conclusions….

Maybe it’s not worth your time — This is rooted in wasting my time and the time of others in relationship and conversation that ends in futility and goes no where.  If time can’t be taken to appropriately define terms and talking space, then the investment is not really there.  The relationship suffers and no one is happy.

Maybe you just don’t get it — Maybe I just don’t understand being on the surface, maybe I’m not a creature of simplicity (except when it comes to cooking and choice of cuisine).  Maybe life would be easier and more enjoyable if I could experience it that way.  I don’t know because I am not.  There are lots of ways in which I don’t experience the world and I don’t think I’m at loss for that, but I think it broadens the diversity we can have in relationship with each other.  Inherintly, I don’t need more relationships that cause conflict.

Maybe I’m tired of being victimized — If someone doesn’t understand what I’m saying or doesn’t know how to make an investment in a relationship I appreciate the honesty in that fact, but certainly don’t appreciate arrogance and pride.  I have this shadow of victimization that has clouded my life for quite some time.  This is simply when conflict arises I must be made out to be the abuser or enemy of another.  It doesn’t lie in reality, but it lies in a perception of reality that lends itself to simplistic and superficial worldviews.  Again, life might be easier when lived from that perspective, but I don’t have that luxury.

All this being said, I have decided that my investments must be more solid, supported and well-founded.  I’m not sure what all of this means, but it means that if I want to build a life and have a home, I must find people that are doing that, not fantasize that they are.  It puts unrealistic expectations on the gift of what others are to me.  On the other hand it will mean a bit of letting go for me.  I will not stand around people who intend to make their point and move on.  Nor will I stand those who refuse to make a moderate level of emotional investment.  Unfortunately, there are many people in the world that do not want more than this, but I’m not one of those.  We can find our people and live our lives.

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