Musings and Prose of Greg Gough

An opportunity to experience my world

Archive for June, 2008

Gaining tangible expressions

Posted by ggough56 on June 20, 2008

Gaining tangible expressions in relationship has been a struggle for me.  I am very driven by the tangible.  The tangible is real to me, it moves and breathes.  I’m not sure of your existence by anything other than your breath.

Lately I’ve had turmoil with respect to how I go about engaging tangible expressions in my relationships.  Okay, some relationships specifically.  I realise I’m willing to put myself on the line more than before, but not quite all the way.  This will be a progression for me.  In a world where I’ve been taught that vulnerability is rewarded with exclusion, I must overcome that obstacle.  I always must answer the question, “…but will you leave me?”  It’s not the essence of the common understanding of that question that is bothersome.  It’s not about some lifesource and dependency, it’s about “being with” at it’s core.  Maybe rephrased, “…but will you still be with me?”

I’ve met so many attractive people in my life and not all spark me the same way.  I understand this phenomenon in the emotional world, I understand that I cannot live centric to that dynamic.  I also understand that there is an underlying absence of building something together with someone.  I suppose that I fight being alone, being single on a very subtle level.  It’s true I’m rather content, but I’m not convinced that I want to build something alone and for myself.  So much of my life is sharing in collaboration and sharing in provision.  I cannot forgo the opportunity ahead of me, opportunity in which I can both collaborate and share in provision.

Maybe I fear exclusion (as a specific consequence of vulnerability) because I don’t see how that piece fits into the picture of collaboration.  I understand that some of my perspectives are as rare as vinyl copy of Madonna’s “Ray of Light” album, but I hold them none-the-less.  I do want to hold true to my perspectives.

I want to touch, stretch my fingers across, soothe, envelop, draw in, experience, breathe, understand, be made curious by, draw myself into, allow myself to let go, quench, be quenched by whatever that is.

Sometimes it’s more touch than with others, sometimes it’s more soothe than with others, sometimes it’s more understand than with others, sometimes it’s more quenched than with others.  Very seldom have I let myself go to appreciate what another person has to offer.

It’s so sad, so tragic that I can’t let myself go, that I can’t risk.  I pay my own version of pennance for my sins of nondisclosure.  It can’t be conjured up, it can’t be fathomed, it has to be embarked upon.  It’s a journey you take with someone, where you open up…..and then I don’t know.

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Fool In Love

Posted by ggough56 on June 7, 2008

Whenever a fool’s in love
He doesn’t know he’s to blame
He’s caught in the game
It all ends up the same
He doesn’t feel the shame

He looks at love in a different way
It’s breaks his heart everytime
They all turn estranged
But he’ll never change
He’s never gonna change

– L. Vandross

Much we can learn from the fool in love it seems.  It’s as if the fool doesn’t know how to love and just has this intangible experience of being in love.  All the euphoric colours glow wildly and brilliantly, but it’s just a blur to be caught up in.  Dancing within the wind, esoteric understanding, undefined movement is most becoming of the fool’s experience.  True, he looks at love in a different way, when love leads to estranged.

I appreciate this short lyric because exemplifies the dilemma of “in love” in our culture.  It’s as if “in love” is like being “in a hole”.  Now, don’t misunderstand me, euphoric experiences are welcomed when love it entertained in a relationship, in fact, they will naturally flow.  It’s this premise of being “in love” that seems to fail people so quickly.  I want to suggest that it’s because the fool is consumed with being “in love”.  It doesn’t work because while he’s returning to his folly, the fool is consumed by his repeated ill relational dynamics.  I have some very strained friendships that shine more committment than a fool who is in love.  I’ll watch it all play out every time.

Am I a fool?  I’d like to think not, but I’m clearly not beyond it.  Are you a fool?  Start talking about how things are really, let’s find out.

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