Musings and Prose of Greg Gough

An opportunity to experience my world

in the beginning….

Posted by ggough56 on June 15, 2010

God created. That’s what I’ve been driven to do. To create. Hold me to that standard, that I mimic my Creator. In my beginning, my 32nd year, I will create in honour of the One that created me.

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Is this God’s experiment in which we have no say?

Posted by ggough56 on June 8, 2010

In which we’ve been given Paradise? Now, I don’t know who might be right about Paradise, but sometimes it’s a cloudy understanding at best. I believe that we can be far more concerned with the state or design of things than we should really be. Design is great, but can be rigid and unaccomodating. Pursuit of living the design can be more the goal than living to be with and building with. I think many would see this perspective as social liberalism, but regardless of name calling, I see it as holding more respect for how the Creator is interested in being versus being something for the creation.

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Spring is here

Posted by ggough56 on March 13, 2010

For quite sometime I’ve been waiting for Spring. Birds tweet and grass is green. I’m moving well past some poor choices made in the past few years. Hopefully the burdens will no longer be with just me.

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Snow

Posted by ggough56 on February 22, 2010

It’s snowing where I’m from and it’s snowing where I am. My life is in full bloom!

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We’ve gotta hold on, ready or not….

Posted by ggough56 on February 10, 2010

Life can pass by so quickly and you can become very consumed by other’s wavering. It not only doesn’t make sense, but it’s a consumption of resources that could be used for more productive efforts and relationships. It does beg one question though, how do you effectively hold all of this?

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Far more impactful than November 1st…

Posted by ggough56 on December 4, 2009

Tonight is bittersweet.  I’m less than 24 hours from a date that I have been both dreading and longing for.  It’s that way for many reasons.  I’ve been dreading it because it’s hard to say good-bye.  It’s hard to say farewell to what’s come before.  I’m not supposed to live in what I’ve known before…and I hope to not.  It’s a longing because I’ve wanted to move beyond and move past.  I’ve wanted to move far beyond what the United States will allow me.  I suppose this is the first step.  It’s not just about what my government will do for me, but it’s what I’m willing to do personally, in my own world.  Don’t ask for legal responsibility that is more than what you care to bear.  It’s not about romance and love.  It might be about intimate and non-sexual…so was the answer.  More importantly, it’s the hope to move beyond what I was once before.

I’m inclined to believe what people tell me…correction, I was inclined to believe what people tell me.  I think we all suffer this consequence in our even most intimate…..and non-sexual…..relationships.  What does that mean anyway?  Well so, what I mean is that we want to believe what people tell us.  I’m someone who wants to believe in the best for people and I’m hopeful.  I’m not hopeful enough to pay the price for what others are not willing to bear.  I’ve learned the hard way and I’m glad that I have learned.  There isn’t really a price that I’ve paid monetarily, but I’ve certainly paid what was important to me.

When you make an agreement it’s important to abide in it, not just for now, but for always.  It doesn’t matter if the first of the month falls on the wrong day or if the wind is blowing your dress in the wrong direction.  What  matters is that you kept your promise and your agreement.  If you can’t keep it, then you should try to work it out and come up with an alternate agreement.  If you are not able to do this, then you have suffered the worse fate.  You have suffered that others must carry your burden.  You have mandated that, since you are not able to, others will carry your burden.  No court or jurisdiction can remove this obligation.  It is woven into the fabric of you.  The fabric that you must choose to disrobe yourself of.  Clothe yourself in what you desire.

I look forward to a very late start to my day, maybe awakening to Syrah licking my feet.  Maybe feeling refreshed.  I hope for a journey to the bathroom as I prepare myself to face the day.  I look into the mirror and face me.  I’ve faced myself since 2003, honestly.  I didn’t always face myself so honestly.  I hope to have a wonderful Maryland blue lump crap dish at Sundance Grill, before I head on with the business of my day.  There is not much business that I will accomplish, but it will be all the business I intend to accomplish tomorrow.

Moving from one era to another must be trying.  When a structure is built in which you can be known and that is abused and misunderstood and all you’ve left to do is bleed to make it real.  I hope that I can make it real for those that will need it to be real one day.

Mykha’el, or whatever your name is.  I hope you are well and I hope that you have all the blessing that you open yourself to.  I understand that we don’t always do what we know is best, but I don’t understand why we continue to live in what we know is not best.

How can I blame you when I believed all of what you said?

Please watch the movie, “The Informant!”.  It is very well done and it tells a priceless story of what we continue to do to each other.  Tell lies and believe the lies we’re told.  From day one, so I’m told, we have believed the lies….and continued to lie ever since.

If you can stop yourself from lying…..you have done a wonderful thing for all of us who come after you.

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I was sure that you’d walk away angry and never talk to me again

Posted by ggough56 on November 1, 2009

How can I be so sure that you’d walk away angry and never talk to me again?  Well, I suppose, now, it’s because you did, but if we rewind, I suppose it’s because there was never any trust that either of us would be there for the long haul.  When someone is more interested in their own personal sufferings, you and me included, they cannot continue on into wonderful blessed relationship.  From quite some time ago, we disagreed on forgiveness, but this wasn’t enough for me.  I figured that we could still make things work in some fashion, that we could continue in the way that we had.  I only found that the ice castles that I built melted when the light shown on them.  The warmth was too much and they could not hold themselves up.  I realised that you were not what I had purported you to be.  For this I apologize.  I still don’t think it means that you need to walk away angry and never talk to me again.

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Garden to Prison?

Posted by ggough56 on September 4, 2009

What we might surmise is that a garden was all of what we needed to freely exist in community with each other.  No need for dictation out of a mentality of self-protection or protection of others.  Yet, when we chose that mentality, we were immediately banished from that garden.  When we gained that knowledge, it became dangerous for us to stay in that environment.  What I find interesting is how prevalent that dynamic exists in our society.  We have freedom, maybe true freedom, until we decide that it’s not enough.  In fact, we might even be thrown into prison if we bring ourselves too far.  We literally might be withheld from freedom that we were intended for.  It’s an interesting notion.  So, the law is very imprisoning as much as it is a governing factor in the essence of our being.  We must have it to survive and we rebel against it’s confines, all in the same breath.

Is it that you won’t obey?  Is it that obedience denies part of what it means to be free?  Is it that you can’t obey?  Is it that part of you will be be restrained by yourself into obedience?  Is is that we love freedom?  Is it that we can’t govern ourselves in freedom?  Is it that we love captivity?  Is it that we long to be withheld from the things that keep us captivated?

It is both and neither.  I suppose that’s my answer, though strange as it seems.  We must have both and we must have neither.  If it was made one way, then somehow it needed to be countered, so we needed both.  We needed to be how we were made to be and we needed to be governed.  That could not endure because it should be neither.  Love can be self-governance.  What I mean is that it may be that love is restrain.

We demand this all the time…that we must be loved in certain ways.  People want us to express love for them in certain ways.  They want to govern how we love them.  If freedom is so important, why can’t we impose our own version of love upon another?  Why can’t we will upon them that our means and expressions of love are truly love and that they are deluded?  We can’t because it violates the fabric of how we were intended to be.  The very fabric of this life was woven with the idea that love governs itself and that we don’t.  It is self-sustaining.  It’s really true that we can be deluded into thinking otherwise.  It is our knowledge that deludes us.  If we had not knowledge of otherwise, we might understand our fabric better and even desire to understand our fabric better.

To those who desire prison over garden, be free and do as you please.  It is that that you want and none other.  You may delude yourself and others and never understand otherwise.  Not that you don’t want to understand, but that you really don’t want to understand.  And to those who desire the garden, may you understand that living in prison gives us the opportunity to understand what makes our prison so.  It helps us to understand the fabric which we have woven ourselves into, the fabric that needs to be torn top to bottom and thrown away.

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In The Air Tonight

Posted by ggough56 on August 17, 2009

I haven’t posted for some time, but wanted to take the time to express a few ideas.  For a long time I’ve wrestled with my reflective and contemplative nature.  I guess I should clarify though.  What I mean is that I wrestle with judgements from others about my reflective and contemplative nature.  I’ve heard things since I can remember and the comments always seemed to set me apart to a disadvantage.  Quite honestly, I enjoy my thoughtful, deep and provocative style of thought an conversation, I just don’t always bear the confidence to own it all very well.  I think that superficiality is quite a commodity this day and age and it sells well for getting into relationships and moving ahead in life.  Well, getting into certain kinds of relationships and moving ahead in certain ways…I suppose.

I began writing lyric quite often starting in 1997 and really enjoyed how I could express my thoughts in that form.  I say lyric because poetry doesn’t capture the fact that the poem is meant for music.  Maybe that’s not an important detail, but I believe it is.  Anyway, I’ve come to build my confidence in this matter, to a point.  It seems that I can still not get beyond judgements of others.  It seems I get set back and hurt so quickly.

I spent some time processing this and arrived at a few conclusions….

Maybe it’s not worth your time — This is rooted in wasting my time and the time of others in relationship and conversation that ends in futility and goes no where.  If time can’t be taken to appropriately define terms and talking space, then the investment is not really there.  The relationship suffers and no one is happy.

Maybe you just don’t get it — Maybe I just don’t understand being on the surface, maybe I’m not a creature of simplicity (except when it comes to cooking and choice of cuisine).  Maybe life would be easier and more enjoyable if I could experience it that way.  I don’t know because I am not.  There are lots of ways in which I don’t experience the world and I don’t think I’m at loss for that, but I think it broadens the diversity we can have in relationship with each other.  Inherintly, I don’t need more relationships that cause conflict.

Maybe I’m tired of being victimized — If someone doesn’t understand what I’m saying or doesn’t know how to make an investment in a relationship I appreciate the honesty in that fact, but certainly don’t appreciate arrogance and pride.  I have this shadow of victimization that has clouded my life for quite some time.  This is simply when conflict arises I must be made out to be the abuser or enemy of another.  It doesn’t lie in reality, but it lies in a perception of reality that lends itself to simplistic and superficial worldviews.  Again, life might be easier when lived from that perspective, but I don’t have that luxury.

All this being said, I have decided that my investments must be more solid, supported and well-founded.  I’m not sure what all of this means, but it means that if I want to build a life and have a home, I must find people that are doing that, not fantasize that they are.  It puts unrealistic expectations on the gift of what others are to me.  On the other hand it will mean a bit of letting go for me.  I will not stand around people who intend to make their point and move on.  Nor will I stand those who refuse to make a moderate level of emotional investment.  Unfortunately, there are many people in the world that do not want more than this, but I’m not one of those.  We can find our people and live our lives.

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Thoughts on bridging two communities

Posted by ggough56 on June 24, 2009

Today I am participating in the “Bridging the Gap Synchroblog,” which means that I and about seventy other bloggers will be addressing the same issue of how to bridge the gap in our conversations with people about faith and sexuality. Be sure to check out the links to the other participating bloggers at the Bridging the Gap blog.

My interest in bridging goes back several years and starts with myself.  You could say that it started with me; it started with bridging within myself.  Having not come out until I was 24 and coming from a background that was fairly conservative, the notion of living as a gay Christian was unheard of.  In 2002 all of that changed.

What became important for me was having peace with each of these parts of me that wanted to take ownership of me entirely.  At some points it was trying to push down any sort of gay identity in hopes of having my faith soar and take over.  At other times it was allowing my gay identity to speak a whole lot to me and let my faith take a back seat.  I suppose that this echoes what I’ve seen in the cross-cultural debate, namely the broader gay community and Christian community.

While it’s true that not all gay people have difficulty accepting themselves and feeling accepted by others, it’s also true that many people in the Christian community don’t have difficulty accepting gay individuals.  I do feel that there are certain voices in both communities that claim to represent the whole and that do not, but that is another issue.

With respect to bridging, I’ve found that knowing the people with whom you’d like to put at a distance and disconnect from is powerfully humbling and extremely difficult.  Finding myself in both communities I see the reality of taking it day by day and challenging myself to accept the Christians that have difficulty with me because of my orientation and letting them be where they are and who they are.  Similarly, I can find it difficult to find acceptance among the gay community when you don’t subscribe to exactly the same philosophies and beliefs that they do about who you are as a Christian.  That I must believe a specific set of creeds in order to be at “peace” with being gay and being Christian is preposterous.  It actually sounds like another version of something that happens in the more fundamental and conservative traditions of Christianity.

I’m starting an organization called, Bridge Evidence Group (BE Group) and our focus is to help individuals and communities transform while focusing on being tangible to each other across this divide.  We want to create evidence of this transformation and tangibility in their lives.  I use the word create because what’s often lacking in bridging the gap is the understanding of newness.  The understanding of entering into a different space, a space that you have created for yourself or that others have created for you.  In that space you can become transformed and become tangible.  Some may not go beyond the conversation and discussion, but we want to create space for that to happen.

The body of Christ is profoundly transformed in Christ and we also become profoundly tangible in Christ.  I believe that Christ was the ultimate of becoming a bridge between any number of things that have gone to great extents to keep themselves separated.  Christ exemplifies bridging two communities.  I would argue that any connection in peace, joy, patience, grace, humility and love is afforded by Christ.  That He is in all and through all.  If we can create evidence of this within our own lives and communities, then we are joining in the expression that he has called us to.  Christ in us is what allows us to become united with what we have become so divorced from.

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